Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only and should not be taken as professional advice. Please consult a professional or use this information at your own risk. View full disclaimer.
Too often people disregard the importance of our mental health. Other times people honestly don’t even know what it really means. Without getting too academia on you, mental health refers to the wellbeing of your mind. Our mind is where we share our thoughts….about everything you can imagine.
When a person experiences trauma in their lives, these images can invade our minds and can create a slew of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Sometimes our minds don’t even register the trauma right away and we go into survival mode.
The NICU is one place where you can find moms and dads surviving. I know this because I lived this. Even a year out, I still live this but that’s a post for another day.
I think many of you can agree that all parents know what it means to fight for their children. This comes in all shapes and sizes, whether you are working outside of the home, inside the home, or both. You do all that you can for your children. In the NICU, you fight to be with your child, you fight for the best medical care, you fight exhaustion.
As a parent, you are always fighting for them.
But you also have to fight for yourself. How can you be there for your children, like really be there if you are hanging by a thread? Our bucket can get so empty sometimes after giving so much of ourselves. Our mental health isn’t immune to stress, in fact it is so susceptible to stress.
-Yours truly
Here are 5 ways you can fight for your mental health (tried and true from a mental health counselor and a former NICU mom)
- Ask for help
- This may sound like a no-brainer but I will admit this may be one of the hardest things to do while going through something as traumatic and stressful as the NICU. It is hard because A) we don’t know what to ask for, B) we don’t know how to ask and C) we don’t want to ask because who wants to be a burden? Well I am here to show you the how and what, but before we get to that–let’s look at this burden thing. If you are anything like me and thousands of people out there, you don’t want to ask for help because who likes a “needy person”. Just stop right there and think about it this way… if it were your sister or brother, or a best friend going through your situation, would you think less of them if they asked you for a favor? I am guessing a hard no. So why do we place such judgment upon ourselves?
- Next time someone says “Let me know if there is anything I can do”, Just believe it. Believe it without any strings.
- Sit down and write down all the things that is stressing you out at the moment. For us, it was laundry, meals, and daily upkeep around the house because we were consumed with working and going back and forth to the hospital. We had NO time for any of the daily things. Our wonderful family and friends offered to bring us meals by signing up on “TakeThemAMeal.com”. You could probably do the same with house chores (though I get why some would not want a colleague cleaning their dirty laundry, maybe save this for a BFF or sibling). It is a sweet gesture, and people want to help. So please let them… it will help you to feel better (less stressed) and help them feel better as well. Trust me.
- Honor your feelings
- This is a biggie. You might be wondering what exactly I mean by this. Often times when we feel something, something strong and uncomfortable, like anger and sadness when you see a colleague with a very plump 8 month pregnant belly or healthy newborn, you begin to feel confused and even more upset at the ugliness boiling inside. This in turn leads to all consuming negativity in our minds creating more undue stress.
- So I say, just honor those feelings. Allow them to come, notice them, and don’t be quick to judge and stomp on them. Journaling might be helpful here so you can just get them out of your head. Your feelings are valid. When we allow ourselves to feel, we are allowing ourselves the opportunity to process everything…which in turn means healing.
- This doesn’t mean it’ll happen overnight, nor does it mean we should react to our upsetting thoughts and feelings…not what I’m saying at all. Just allow yourself to experience these rather normative reactions to a very unexpected situation. I mean, you wouldn’t tell your BFF to not get mad at something when they’re mad right? No, you would be supportive. Let’s be supportive of ourselves.
- Self care
- Ah… I am sure you have heard of this term at some point or another. You might be asking what exactly does this even mean? How do I do this? Well the answer is…it depends. The answer is not a one size fits all kind of thing. Self care is about taking care of yourself…honoring your needs. What one person needs is surely going to differ from the next person.
- I personally needed to take time off to heal. I also needed hot baths at night. This was soothing for me, and I could just be for 15-20 minutes without any pressures or constraints. The hot water relaxed a lot of my anxiety and stress and I religiously do it because it is what I need–and that is OK.
- Think about what things you need to destress. Is it a hot bath? Girls night? Eight hours of sleep? Afternoon of video games? Time to clean the house? Whatever it is, do it. Make the time to do it. There is no shame in taking time to yourself. It is necessary and too many people overlook this. It isn’t selfish either.
- Be active
- So I won’t go into the biology of psychology but I will say that this has been proven over and over again in scientific studies. Being active releases endorphins. Endorphins help you feel better. Period. It isn’t just good for your physical health, but it is good, so good for your mental health. Think back on the last time you were active, and picture how you felt right after. YOU can feel this, whenever you want. And while you are at it, you can get some time of not ruminating about how things are so wrong right now.
- I’m not saying you have to go to the gym 3 times a week for an hour, or go train to be a CrossFit warrior. I mean take a walk around your block, or go move some furniture around. Whatever it is, get moving. Nobody has ever said “gosh I wish I didn’t work out.” Everyone (well to my knowledge) has always expressed feeling glad they worked out. Exercise/physical activity is nature’s mood-lifting-medicine.
- Talk to someone
- Last and definitely not least… talk to someone. I know, it’s so cliché. But I cannot stress how therapeutic this is. Though, there is a caveat to this because if I relate this to the NICU, I recall this being such a difficult thing to do. Nobody in my “immediate circle” understood what I was going through, so it never really helped. In fact, I found myself more upset at times. We know all of our friends and family mean well, but unless they have gone through this NICU life, they can only understand so much.
- So no, don’t avoid your non NICU friends and family, just know that sometimes they might say insensitive things but only because they don’t know…just seek out other supports right now. You’ll thank me later.
- What I found helpful was talking to people who got it. This meant joining some NICU support groups on Facebook. There were thousands of other people out there who “got it” and just having that universality was priceless. One option is reaching out to non-profits, like Pierce’s Project, who can help you navigate the daily struggles of the NICU world. They were instrumental in helping me obtain SSI and Medicaid for my daughter, without that, we would not have been able to afford what was to come.
- Another way is to seek out a mental health counselor. I say this not because I am a counselor but because this literally was my saving grace as I went through the NICU. Sure, your counselor may not have had any NICU experience but I will tell you, counselors are trained to be that supportive person you need right now. We provide a safe haven for you to release all the weight on your shoulders, and on your heart. I personally do not know what I would have done without receiving counseling myself. It gave me a safe place to talk about all the upsetting things going on in my life and all of my deepest fears with ZERO judgment. It was so relieving.
- There is no shame in talking to a professional. It does not mean something is wrong with you. It means your plate is full, your bucket is empty and you need to recharge. Counseling is the most healthiest thing anyone can do for themselves.
I understand that counseling may not be feasible for many. It can be expensive and daunting trying to find someone. Thankfully there are options.
Call or log onto your insurance portal and search for a counselor, google some in your area or ask around. It’s like finding a dentist. You have to research and find one you like. Fit is so important within the counseling relationship, so don’t settle or get discouraged if the first counselor you see does not jive with you. Keep looking.
Thankfully if you are in the Greater Charlotte area, there is another amazing option—Pierce’s Project. This is a non-profit made up of former NICU parents that are devoted to helping other NICU families. I am lucky to serve on their board and run their new counseling program.
Anyone that has a NICU experience, past or present, can receive FREE counseling (up to 8 sessions) with a professional counselor. It is absolutely confidential and at your convenience. Anyone who is interested should visit http://piercesproject.com/counseling-program for more information on how to fight for your mental health.