Everyone knows that new moms or already-moms-with-new-babies are going through an adjustment bringing a new human being into their homes. People also know that there are a lot of hormonal changes going on and all fear the dreaded postpartum yuck (postpartum depression and anxiety).
But what many people don’t talk about is what moms of babies in the NICU go through. My daughter was born at 26 weeks gestation and lived in the NICU for 148 days. As a new mom and a mental health counselor by profession, I am here to share with you a piece of my personal journey and how I dealt with it.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only and should not be taken as professional advice. Please consult a professional or use this information at your own risk. View full disclaimer.
5 Emotions I Experienced in the NICU and How I dealt with it
1. Nothing
You read right. Nothing. For the first several days, I felt nothing. I was numb. When people asked me about Lucy, I rattled off facts about her weight, oxygen needs, and any other medical condition I was told. I became a reporter. I did not feel like a mom because on some strange level, she didn’t feel like mine. Yes–the sign said she was, and the medical staff referred to me as mom, but I just did not feel like one.
I was only able to see her 1-3 hours a day, and even then, a lot of the times I was just looking through a clear plastic box at her sleeping. It wasn’t the picturesque new-mom stuff you envision when you first find out you are pregnant. So, naturally, I felt detached from her because I was in so many ways. I felt robbed of the physical and emotional bonding that would have happened if I had a normal birthing experience.
On some level, this was my brain’s way of protecting me from the very real potential of losing her. So I had to keep from loving too much because it would just hurt too much. In general, this protective mechanism is a very important tool our brain utilizes to keep us from painful situations–a fundamental way that keeps us going.
How I dealt with it. First of all, I never faulted myself for feeling the way I did. When I realized I was “detached”, I asked other NICU moms if they felt the same. The responses were astounding. I wasn’t alone. They validated all the things I thought and felt, and reassured me that things would change on its own time. I did, however, make sure to do what felt comfortable for me at that moment. This meant, going for one hour some days because that was all I was up for. This meant, grabbing a few of the free knitted goodies from the NICU washroom because that was how I showered her with love. This meant, I kept a journal and wrote down her weight, number of events, diagnoses, etc.
Feeling numb and detached is OK. Many would be quick to say this is a clear sign of postpartum depression. Yes–maybe in a normal birthing experience and you felt this way for weeks after taking baby home. Even then, it is still OK. It is important to monitor it and make a quick phone call to your provider if anything. But this isn’t the same and should not be categorized the same in my opinion.
2. Fear
This one sounds like a no brainer but the fear in having a baby in the NICU is UNREAL. Just imagine a time when you had a close relative or friend get into a bad car accident, and they were in the hospital… you were in shock. You probably grabbed your phone and keys and rushed to the hospital, legs shaking, palms sweating, heart racing, and mind thinking of the worst. It is that sick to the stomach gut feeling that we all dread. That, right there is how it feels to have a baby in the NICU, but it is like that for every single day, every hour, and for weeks if not months.
When anyone receives bad news, our body interprets this information as a sign of danger. Danger of loss, danger of hurt, danger of pain. It triggers hormonal responses in our brain that influences how our body feels. I won’t get too technical here but all those bodily sensations of imminent danger affects our entire body. Our heart rate, breathing, muscles, tension, digestive system, etc.
Our brain has gone into survival mode, and whether that looks like fight, flight, or freeze for you, it is a real thing. And when we are under this kind of stress for a length of time, it is as if our body’s are “sick” wreaking havoc on our immune systems and overall health, physical and mental.
How I dealt with it. I wish it were a clear cut answer. I just remember that I took A LOT of deep breaths. I knew I was in a fight/flight/freeze mode because I could feel it in my mind and body. I was anxious and afraid every day, though some days were less than others. I knew I needed to interrupt the cycle my brain and body kept looping through…
My brain interpreted danger and so my body reacted, and then my body became so used to feeling that way, that sometimes it triggered my brain to release more hormones to help prepare for danger. It was a vicious cycle and as a counselor, I KNEW IT…and to be honest, there were times it was really hard to stop it.
But when I did notice my stress levels happening, I honored it. I did not fault myself for feeling this way. I knew this was a typical response to an untypical situation. I took my deep breaths and centered myself with the present moment. I looked around the room, focused on things around me, how the chair felt under my legs. I focused on my breath entering and leaving my body, how my chest and diaphragm moved up and down. I had to ground myself.
I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to scream. I did not fight it. In my experience, fighting it makes it worse. So I noticed it and focused on sending calming messages back to my brain by calming my body. This sometimes looked like a nap, doing a quick 12-minute HiiT workout, a vent session to my sister/friend/support group, or finding my happy place by writing, creating, or organizing.
3. Anger
I remember being so angry. I was angry at myself. I was angry at my body for failing a full-term pregnancy. I was angry at the fact my family was so far away. I was angry that I had to put my dog down. I was angry that I was in pain. I was angry at the hospital social worker who did nothing to help me. I was angry that people did not get it. I was angry that I couldn’t just fix it. I was angry at pregnant women around me. I was just angry at life for doing this to me. So many times I questioned, WHY ME? What did I do to deserve this?
Then I realized that was the wrong question. It was a complete cognitive error on my part. Personalization. This did not happen to me because of my character. Nor was it someone else’s fault. It just happened.
How I dealt with it. I am not going to lie. Many of my relationships went through hard times because I was angry and lashed out at them. Yes–even me and my therapist-y self. You will notice a pattern here, but I just allowed myself to be angry. We NICU parents have the right to be angry, period.
Anger is a secondary emotion. It is a result of another emotion, sadness, hurt, fear, shame, etc. It isn’t wrong.
Now, I did not allow myself to go break windows or call people obscenities, but I did distance myself from others at times, and I even had difficult conversations with others. Honestly, those who were real friends understood and did not leave.
I had to realize that this was not anyone’s fault. I had to stop thinking about the worst case scenario, about how awful things would be, because that only fueled my anger. And to be honest, I did not know how things would turn out. Another cognitive error on my part, fortune-telling. I had to nip that in the butt whenever I started to go down that rabbit hole.
4. Guilt
As if being a parent does not already come with a serving of mom-guilt, but knowing your body did not “do its job”–it drove that mom-guilt in deeper. Why did my body fail this one job it was made for? That–right there, was the very thought that plagued my inner self even without my conscious knowledge.
The weekend I began having contractions, I was making a new slip cover for my couch. I was knee deep in fabric, foam, batting, etc. and I was heartbroken over my dog, Charlie, dying. I cried so much because that was going to be our last weekend with him. We planned to put him down that following Tuesday when the vet re-opened. So I wondered a lot if my stress caused me to go into preterm labor.
I also have a bicornuate uterus (heart shaped). My OB told me on my first ultrasound and reassured me that no major complications would occur. But, after returning for my postpartum checkup, my doctor said “Oh, it must have been your heart shaped uterus [that caused the preterm labor].” WHAT?? I immediately felt awful. Just another reason for me to blame myself. Great.
How I dealt with it. You probably already know what I am going to say by now. I allowed myself to feel this but I did not let it fester. Knowledge was power here. The more I learned about preterm birth, the more I learned it was an idiopathic occurrence, meaning it happens for many reasons and yet no reasons at all. I read articles, I googled, I read other NICU mom’s stories. They all concluded the same message: it is not your fault.
I mean, there are women out there who use drugs and still have full-term births. So, no…it was not a direct result of my weekend shenanigans, or because my uterus is shaped differently.
I would be lying if I said this guilt never crosses my mind anymore, because it does but its strength is much milder if existent most days. This is even after my mother-in-law accused me of causing my daughter’s prematurity and health issues (we won’t go there today).
I do wonder A LOT about whether this will happen again if I were to get pregnant in the future. Because I do want to get pregnant again. This mere thought sends me panicking some days and I just realize that I am not ready. And, that’s OK too.
5. Sadness
I’ll be honest, sadness was not an initial emotion for me. I felt the others more strongly than this one. I think my sadness was really personal. Nobody understood it… even the other NICU moms on Facebook, were blindly circling through all of these other emotions and sadness never really looked “the same” as another’s. My sadness came out on my drives to and from places, tears would stream down my face because I felt helpless. Helpless as a mom, helpless as a woman, just…helpless. Nothing was in my control anymore.
I was sad for my little girl who was fighting so hard to be here with us. I was sad for my marriage that was literally hanging on by a thread some days. I was sad for my loneliness. I was sad for my uncertain future.
I was sad for everything that was lost. Everything that was going to be lost because of the long term issues that lied ahead.
How I dealt with it. I won’t even repeat myself here…but this emotion was one that I was almost oblivious to because it was disguised as “Oh, I’m Okay” anytime someone checked in on me. Mostly because I had to be OK. I had to fight for my babygirl and that meant putting my big girl panties on. I think my sadness became real when I allowed myself to love her. It may be different for you, but this was how it unfolded for me.
When moments of sadness surfaced, I acknowledged it and reminded myself it was OK to not be OK. I was sad because I cared. I had to make sure it did not consume me though. I had to stop myself from going down a negative Nancy hole. Sometimes this looked like getting up to take my dog for a walk around the neighborhood, FaceTiming my sister or my friends, planning for something (e.g. nursery, next week’s meals, baby shower, etc.), or getting my nails done.
One thing I made sure to do every day though was to cultivate gratitude. Even with our circumstances, I forced myself to find the good in it. Some days I was happy to have a work family that was so supportive, to have the means to do our weekly meal planning, to have a running vehicle to go to the hospital, to be able to pump milk for her, to be able to watch Friends while I pumped, other days I was grateful the fact she was just alive. It could have been worse. It could always be worse. Find gratitude where you can. It will always serve you well.
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There you have it, five emotions that I experienced being a NICU mom. This experience has been one ginormous grieving cycle. But, through grief, you discover your strength (because you are a badass NICU parent!), and you find faith… faith in that things can be OK again despite how your picture looks now.
I hope this was validating and enlightening in some way. I know everyone’s journey is different, I hope that you will find peace along the way. It may take a very long time, but it is possible. For me, I had to allow myself these emotions. It was the only way for me to process what had happened.
Even as a counselor who is trained to do exactly this. I was unable to do it purely on my own. I needed help, and that is OK. I sought out counseling and it was my saving grace. I still experience PTSD-related symptoms to this day. Please seek out professional help. It does not mean you are weak. (Did you think I was weak while reading this?)…