Category: Adulting

Adulting, Mental Health, Personal, Self-growth

When You Are Feeling Less-Enthused and So Confused

by admin April 28, 2019

So, it hit me tonight that I haven’t posted a new blog in OVER 4 WEEKS!! I honestly thought it was only 1 maybe 2 weeks. Time has seriously flown by. It wasn’t all a blur though, I took Lucy to Florida to visit family a couple of weeks ago, which was SO needed. I missed my family.

And, honestly I miss seeing Lucy with my family now. But, that’s not what this post is about, so back on track.

I have felt less-enthused about blogging, and at first, I had no clue why. But, as I reflect on these past couple of weeks, I realize that I was feeling a bit lost with my life.

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First, I got caught up in selling vacuums. Yes, I know. I know. WHAT THE HECK right? Well…..let’s just say I now know I am not meant for sales, ever. That is 9 days I can never get back. JK. It was a lesson well learned and I got a pretty damn awesome vacuum out of it.

Then, I was approached by the chair of the non-profit I work with about entering in a somewhat new role. One that would take considerably more of my time each week. Regardless of how nervous I was am to take on this new responsibility, it all excites me. I can’t wait to start creating a new program!

What has me lost is the ugly truth that I have been half-assing the non-mom-parts of my life, and it became so apparent to me while I sat at my work desk with very little to show. I had all these expectations of how being a working mom would look like. I wanted to do so much and leave my mark, but I hadn’t and it bothered me.

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Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom, in fact I love it more than anything else. It brings me so much joy. But, where was the other part of me that craved recognition and prestige? Hibernating. It was hibernating under all the diaper changes, feeding schedules, doctors appointments, and never ending housework. It was also hiding under a lot of fear.

Until now.

I am tired of feeling defeated by all the what-ifs in my head and sitting paralyzed by my fears.

What if it is pointless? 

What if I waste my time?

What if it doesn’t make a difference?

What if I fail and look like a complete fool?

What if I don’t know what to do?

What if I get too overwhelmed?

What if I hate it?

What if I regret it? 

What if someone is better than me at it? 

Maybe some of these thoughts are no stranger to your own head. You know it isn’t a pretty place to be. You feel overwhelmed by your own self. (what kind of crap is that, right?) And that kind of stress is the most daunting because you cannot just walk away from it.

Until now.

I had to sit down and get my head back in the game. I knew I had to start with the most important question…

WHAT do I want?

Think about what is important to you. What are the things that really matter to you? Is it family? Is it creating? Is it working? Is it traveling? This surely isn’t a black/white thing, and you may end up with a pie chart when it’s all said and done.

For me, I want to be the best wife, mom, sister, and friend I can be. I want to help others. And I want to make shit, period.

WHY do I want it?

This step is soooo important. I wholeheartedly believe that when you know the why, you will figure out the how, no matter how hard it is.

So ask yourself, why do you want to focus on __________ ? Do this for each focus in the previous question.

Because I love my family. Because I find value in having social support. Because I  have skills that can make a difference in others’ lives. Because I am artsy fartsy and I feel good writing and creating.

Then, I had to see how it would be possible.

It isn’t a matter of IF it will be possible, because you already know the why. So, this step is a matter of logistics. Will you need to rework your schedule? Try BLOCK SCHEDULING. Will you need to revamp your self-care? Will you need to reestablish boundaries? Will you need to make some changes to your inner circle? to your work? Will you need to put yourself out there?

I created a new block schedule where I carved out chunks of time to see if I could even swing this new professional role and adding another day to my other job into my already busy schedule.

Next, I had to create the plan.

This will clearly look different for everyone. Write down the steps it would take to not just “reach” your goal, but live a life aligned with your values, your “what-matters”.

For me, it meant a 1 year goal of going heavy on getting clinical hours under my belt so I could have the freedom to create my own work with as little restrictions in the future.

It meant that I will consciously spend my time more wisely, and stop mindlessly scrolling on social media. It meant that I will make it a point to nurture all the parts of me: wife, mother, sister, friend, professional counselor, blogger, and creator.

I revisited my block schedule and went into more detail. I carved out time devoted to both of my professional roles, adding in time to be with my husband and Lucy, making sure I have me time every day (this is where the housework, personal stuff, and artsy / organizing / writing stuff goes), self-care choices (sleep schedule, work out time, bath time, planner time, etc.), planning trips to visit family and friends, and the ever-important flex time. Flex time is free time to do whatever it is that floats my boat at that time. It might be time to complete something from earlier that day, tackle a task that popped up that week, or have an impromptu outing with Lucy.

I don’t believe every hour should be planned to a T, because let’s face it. Life doesn’t follow no dang schedule, unless you are in jail that is. But, guidelines do help and allows you to keep focused on the things that matter to you.

Plan it. Put it into motion.

And, this is where you take a list of small behavioral changes that align with your vision and run with it. Even if you have 8 lists like me, do it a little bit each day. This is how you cultivate joy and bring your dreams into fruition.

Some of my things included: have outside playtime with Lucy every day, have date night weekly, make a list of workshops I want to run, attend a monthly craft event, go goodwill hunting (because this also feeds my soul), etc.

And just like that, I was no longer less-enthused. I was actually hyped to get shit done again.

When you are feeling lost, sit back and take a breather. Find out what you want, why you want it, and then the rest will follow. And even if you find yourself answering YES to any of those scary thoughts earlier, just know that those too can also be answered with your reasons why.

Hoping you all find peace in the midst of the chaos of juggling all of your roles. Remember, you are enough, and always will be, period. 

 

xx, Mary

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Adulting, Mental Health, Self-growth

If Nothing Else…Be Your Own BFF

by admin March 29, 2019

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We always say to treat others like how we would like to be treated, but the truth is… we often treat others how we DO treat ourselves. And, it ain’t pretty.

Have you ever taken a moment and reflected on how you talk to yourself? Maybe it goes something like this, “Gosh, I’m such an idiot… why did I do that?” or “That is so dumb of me to think this way” or “Nobody likes me because I am too boring” or “I’m not a good enough mom/friend/wife/sister”, or my favorite “what is wrong with me????”

Let’s pause here a minute.

Have you ever said these things to your friends? your loved ones? even a coworker? I’m going to guess, no. But, maybe you have in a less direct way. I see these things happen on social media ALL THE TIME. Mom shaming or just shaming in general is so prevalent and it literally makes me sick.

I have learned over the years that people put others down because that is how they react to themselves when they feel like their behavior is “bad” or “wrong”. We project our own stuff onto others.

I say all of this to bring to light the real issue…. our focus shouldn’t just be on building compassion for others but on developing self-compassion.

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When we can collectively engage in self-compassion, we will naturally give it others. Our focus needs to be on improving our selves in order to have a second order effect on our society.

If you think about it, how can we tell others to have compassion for another when we continue to berate ourselves day in and day out? That is like asking someone to tie another person’s shoe when they cannot tie their own shoe.

 

So, I am sure you are wondering how do we develop self-compassion?? The answer is quite ironic.

Treat yourself how you would treat others.

 

  1. Be your own BFF. We often treat our best friends soooooo much better than we treat ourselves. So, the first step is to be your own best friend forever. Quit being mean to yourself. Watch your self-talk and ask yourself, would you blatantly say this to your BFF’s face? If the answer is a no, then change it.
  2. Honor yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for what you think, feel, and do. This only leads to self-criticism. Honor what you think, feel, and do. Remind yourself that you do your best. And, your best changes from minute to minute. Have empathy for yourself.
  3. Give yourself grace. Be thoughtful and courteous to yourself. Treat yourself with respect and try to not put impossible standards upon yourself. Let it go.
  4. Invest in yourself. When we invest in another person, we inherently build a sense of understanding and love for them, and all that they strive to do, including their failures. It’s important that we do the same for ourselves. Creating a vision board is one way to start doing this!
  5. Build healthy boundaries. So often, people harp about having boundaries with others, which are definitely important, but we neglect the boundaries we have with ourselves. I have been guilty of allowing myself get pushed around by my own self. Honor your desires. Respect your needs. Stop beating yourself up. Allow yourself to take care of your self, say NO when you want or need to. And be quick to catch your negative self-talk.

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Of course, these are all easier said than done. It is going to take time and lots of practice to make these habits. Awareness is key though. When you catch yourself doing any of the self-compassion-killing things, just acknowledge it, and try harder next time.

Stop focusing on all of your “failures” and “shortcomings” and look at yourself as a whole, be mindful of yourself. 

Eventually, that window will become smaller and smaller, and you will be able to practice self-compassion more consistently.

In essence, trying to have more self-compassion is an act of self-compassion in itself. So you are already in the right direction. I wholeheartedly believe that with these “simple” steps, our world could be a better place. Or at least we will treat each other a little bit better and we will love ourselves that much more.

I challenge you today. Hug yourself. Do something you want and need today, purely for yourself. You deserve the best. You deserve to be your best, whatever that may be at this moment in time. 

 

How do you practice self-compassion? I would love to know, leave a comment below!

 

xx, Mary

Adulting, Parenthood, Personal

Why Making Friends Is So Hard As An Adult

by admin March 3, 2019

 

Confession: I am a 34-year-old mom and I don’t really have any much friends.

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My birthday just passed and as I was wished happy birthday throughout the day, I realized they were all from afar. Five years ago, my husband and I moved from Florida to North Carolina, and I still struggle with creating a circle of friends here. I still keep in touch with my group of friends in Florida but it just isn’t the same.

I keep hearing the same story from many other women that they have recently relocated and are having the hardest time building their own village. And, no…we are not those crazy chicks. We are normal, down-to-Earth, funny, and real people that legit struggle to build close and meaningful relationships as an adult.

After my ritualistic boo-hoo cry on my birthday (I know, I know.. it sounds so pitiful but my birthday has always been a sensitive time for me, but that is another post), I was on a mission to find out why it was so hard to make friends at this age.

I went through the usual questioning, Am I that unlikable? Am I a bitch? Am I that closed-off? I couldn’t understand why I felt so lonely, though sometimes I tout that this is my choice. Truth is, we all need friendships. Including myself.

First, I had to think about what a friendship meant to me before I could go digging at what was going awry.

For me, a meaningful friendship is one where you can be your self and not be afraid to verbalize your crazy thoughts for fear of judgment. It is where you know they will be there for you when you sit on your kitchen floor in tears about x, y, z, and they will know what to say to pick you back up. It is having someone to just watch shows with without any expectations to entertain. It is having support in any troubles that come your way, and having a sounding board whenever you feel uncertain. It is having someone to experience life’s joy and learn new things with. It is having someone you genuinely care about and want to add to their lives. It is having someone who accepts you for who you are. It is all of these great things and then some.

But, the problem is… we have had X amount of years to develop this schema about what a friendship should be and we sometimes (me all the time apparently) go into each interaction with such expectation. It isn’t fair to either parties. It is bound to lead to disappointment and feelings defeat, hopelessness, and loneliness.

Okay. So don’t have these high expectations. Got it. Done. But, just lowering expectations wasn’t enough…

I had to learn how to even build a meaningful relationship… like how do you even do that? Most of my friends are my family, old school friends, people who I grew up with. I can’t just get more siblings, nor could I re-grow up. So what now?

A friendship is built on trust first and foremost.

Not only trust that your friend won’t betray you, but trust that you can be your REAL self and not be judged for your silliness, or your ugliness. How many times have we felt like we could not be our authentic selves and suffered through this superficial friendships that make our skin crawl? Me, too many times.

With lifelong friends, you have had years to build this trust. You have had countless opportunities to test this trust, but with new potential friends, we carry this expectation in without allowing the time to grow this deep trust and it results in this oh-super-fun-ficial-friendships-that-make-you-gag.

I firmly believe a lot of what we think others will do, has a lot to do with our own stuff. If we think others will judge us though we don’t have anything to base this off of, it is likely a result of our own baggage… our own self-talk. As much as I practice metacognition, and self-love, I still make self-judgments here and there, and I unknowingly project this onto others, making potential friendships unappetizing.

Another thing I am noticing is, being a mom, and just adulting really makes it so hard to make friends.

Every day I am doing a million and one things, and I just don’t have the time to “hang out”. A lot of my friends came from just being somewhere together, such as school, or growing up in the same place, but when everyone is new to you and you are busy taking care of life, your energy and chances to hang out are next to nil.

Adding a traumatic life event further complicates things because sometimes it can be hard to connect. And I don’t know about you, but my threshold for BS is real low. So there might be a chance I have walked away from things that I did not feel worth it. This isn’t wrong and can be a healthy thing!

I thought I had this wonderful friendship here, but unfortunately it has hit a turning point where feelings were hurt. I am realizing it was either not a strong enough friendship and/or that it was with someone who does not want to or cannot discuss through difficult things. And, I am learning that is OK. Not every attempt will pan out. But it does not make this futile.

I wish I could give step-by-step instructions on how to have more meaningful friendships or on exactly how to be 100% OK with no friends, but that wouldn’t be helpful nor feasible. We are all different, with different lives, and different needs. But if you are like me, who crave those deep friendships but are just too dang busy or tired these days, then the change must come from within.

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So what does this all mean?

It means I will continue to cultivate the meaningful friendships I already have. Thankfully technology is on our side, so texting, calling, and video-chatting are at our fingertips. And, making plans to visit a few times a year is a priority of mine now.

It is not to say that making new friendships is off the table for me, it just means I will not hold each new-potential-friendship with an expectation destined for failure–but with a fresh new exciting start with tons of potential for all-kinds-of-friendships. Not all friendships will become those ride-or-die kinds.

It means that I need to keep it lighthearted and allow things to grow, and expect that it will take work on both ends. All friendships require this, though our lifelong ones don’t feel like it did because a lot of the early hard work happened many moons ago, and now you are in maintenance mode.

So, the next time the opportunity to have a friendship knocks on your door, answer it. Answer it with open arms and a light heart. And, if we have the chance to cross paths… you know where I stand. So…don’t make it weird, k? 😉

And maybe, the fact that I continue to have these meaningful relationships from afar means even more. Blessed, I am.

xx, Mary