Category: Personal

Adulting, Mental Health, Personal, Self-growth

When You Are Feeling Less-Enthused and So Confused

by admin April 28, 2019

So, it hit me tonight that I haven’t posted a new blog in OVER 4 WEEKS!! I honestly thought it was only 1 maybe 2 weeks. Time has seriously flown by. It wasn’t all a blur though, I took Lucy to Florida to visit family a couple of weeks ago, which was SO needed. I missed my family.

And, honestly I miss seeing Lucy with my family now. But, that’s not what this post is about, so back on track.

I have felt less-enthused about blogging, and at first, I had no clue why. But, as I reflect on these past couple of weeks, I realize that I was feeling a bit lost with my life.

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First, I got caught up in selling vacuums. Yes, I know. I know. WHAT THE HECK right? Well…..let’s just say I now know I am not meant for sales, ever. That is 9 days I can never get back. JK. It was a lesson well learned and I got a pretty damn awesome vacuum out of it.

Then, I was approached by the chair of the non-profit I work with about entering in a somewhat new role. One that would take considerably more of my time each week. Regardless of how nervous I was am to take on this new responsibility, it all excites me. I can’t wait to start creating a new program!

What has me lost is the ugly truth that I have been half-assing the non-mom-parts of my life, and it became so apparent to me while I sat at my work desk with very little to show. I had all these expectations of how being a working mom would look like. I wanted to do so much and leave my mark, but I hadn’t and it bothered me.

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Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom, in fact I love it more than anything else. It brings me so much joy. But, where was the other part of me that craved recognition and prestige? Hibernating. It was hibernating under all the diaper changes, feeding schedules, doctors appointments, and never ending housework. It was also hiding under a lot of fear.

Until now.

I am tired of feeling defeated by all the what-ifs in my head and sitting paralyzed by my fears.

What if it is pointless? 

What if I waste my time?

What if it doesn’t make a difference?

What if I fail and look like a complete fool?

What if I don’t know what to do?

What if I get too overwhelmed?

What if I hate it?

What if I regret it? 

What if someone is better than me at it? 

Maybe some of these thoughts are no stranger to your own head. You know it isn’t a pretty place to be. You feel overwhelmed by your own self. (what kind of crap is that, right?) And that kind of stress is the most daunting because you cannot just walk away from it.

Until now.

I had to sit down and get my head back in the game. I knew I had to start with the most important question…

WHAT do I want?

Think about what is important to you. What are the things that really matter to you? Is it family? Is it creating? Is it working? Is it traveling? This surely isn’t a black/white thing, and you may end up with a pie chart when it’s all said and done.

For me, I want to be the best wife, mom, sister, and friend I can be. I want to help others. And I want to make shit, period.

WHY do I want it?

This step is soooo important. I wholeheartedly believe that when you know the why, you will figure out the how, no matter how hard it is.

So ask yourself, why do you want to focus on __________ ? Do this for each focus in the previous question.

Because I love my family. Because I find value in having social support. Because I  have skills that can make a difference in others’ lives. Because I am artsy fartsy and I feel good writing and creating.

Then, I had to see how it would be possible.

It isn’t a matter of IF it will be possible, because you already know the why. So, this step is a matter of logistics. Will you need to rework your schedule? Try BLOCK SCHEDULING. Will you need to revamp your self-care? Will you need to reestablish boundaries? Will you need to make some changes to your inner circle? to your work? Will you need to put yourself out there?

I created a new block schedule where I carved out chunks of time to see if I could even swing this new professional role and adding another day to my other job into my already busy schedule.

Next, I had to create the plan.

This will clearly look different for everyone. Write down the steps it would take to not just “reach” your goal, but live a life aligned with your values, your “what-matters”.

For me, it meant a 1 year goal of going heavy on getting clinical hours under my belt so I could have the freedom to create my own work with as little restrictions in the future.

It meant that I will consciously spend my time more wisely, and stop mindlessly scrolling on social media. It meant that I will make it a point to nurture all the parts of me: wife, mother, sister, friend, professional counselor, blogger, and creator.

I revisited my block schedule and went into more detail. I carved out time devoted to both of my professional roles, adding in time to be with my husband and Lucy, making sure I have me time every day (this is where the housework, personal stuff, and artsy / organizing / writing stuff goes), self-care choices (sleep schedule, work out time, bath time, planner time, etc.), planning trips to visit family and friends, and the ever-important flex time. Flex time is free time to do whatever it is that floats my boat at that time. It might be time to complete something from earlier that day, tackle a task that popped up that week, or have an impromptu outing with Lucy.

I don’t believe every hour should be planned to a T, because let’s face it. Life doesn’t follow no dang schedule, unless you are in jail that is. But, guidelines do help and allows you to keep focused on the things that matter to you.

Plan it. Put it into motion.

And, this is where you take a list of small behavioral changes that align with your vision and run with it. Even if you have 8 lists like me, do it a little bit each day. This is how you cultivate joy and bring your dreams into fruition.

Some of my things included: have outside playtime with Lucy every day, have date night weekly, make a list of workshops I want to run, attend a monthly craft event, go goodwill hunting (because this also feeds my soul), etc.

And just like that, I was no longer less-enthused. I was actually hyped to get shit done again.

When you are feeling lost, sit back and take a breather. Find out what you want, why you want it, and then the rest will follow. And even if you find yourself answering YES to any of those scary thoughts earlier, just know that those too can also be answered with your reasons why.

Hoping you all find peace in the midst of the chaos of juggling all of your roles. Remember, you are enough, and always will be, period. 

 

xx, Mary

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Adulting, Parenthood, Personal

Why Making Friends Is So Hard As An Adult

by admin March 3, 2019

 

Confession: I am a 34-year-old mom and I don’t really have any much friends.

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My birthday just passed and as I was wished happy birthday throughout the day, I realized they were all from afar. Five years ago, my husband and I moved from Florida to North Carolina, and I still struggle with creating a circle of friends here. I still keep in touch with my group of friends in Florida but it just isn’t the same.

I keep hearing the same story from many other women that they have recently relocated and are having the hardest time building their own village. And, no…we are not those crazy chicks. We are normal, down-to-Earth, funny, and real people that legit struggle to build close and meaningful relationships as an adult.

After my ritualistic boo-hoo cry on my birthday (I know, I know.. it sounds so pitiful but my birthday has always been a sensitive time for me, but that is another post), I was on a mission to find out why it was so hard to make friends at this age.

I went through the usual questioning, Am I that unlikable? Am I a bitch? Am I that closed-off? I couldn’t understand why I felt so lonely, though sometimes I tout that this is my choice. Truth is, we all need friendships. Including myself.

First, I had to think about what a friendship meant to me before I could go digging at what was going awry.

For me, a meaningful friendship is one where you can be your self and not be afraid to verbalize your crazy thoughts for fear of judgment. It is where you know they will be there for you when you sit on your kitchen floor in tears about x, y, z, and they will know what to say to pick you back up. It is having someone to just watch shows with without any expectations to entertain. It is having support in any troubles that come your way, and having a sounding board whenever you feel uncertain. It is having someone to experience life’s joy and learn new things with. It is having someone you genuinely care about and want to add to their lives. It is having someone who accepts you for who you are. It is all of these great things and then some.

But, the problem is… we have had X amount of years to develop this schema about what a friendship should be and we sometimes (me all the time apparently) go into each interaction with such expectation. It isn’t fair to either parties. It is bound to lead to disappointment and feelings defeat, hopelessness, and loneliness.

Okay. So don’t have these high expectations. Got it. Done. But, just lowering expectations wasn’t enough…

I had to learn how to even build a meaningful relationship… like how do you even do that? Most of my friends are my family, old school friends, people who I grew up with. I can’t just get more siblings, nor could I re-grow up. So what now?

A friendship is built on trust first and foremost.

Not only trust that your friend won’t betray you, but trust that you can be your REAL self and not be judged for your silliness, or your ugliness. How many times have we felt like we could not be our authentic selves and suffered through this superficial friendships that make our skin crawl? Me, too many times.

With lifelong friends, you have had years to build this trust. You have had countless opportunities to test this trust, but with new potential friends, we carry this expectation in without allowing the time to grow this deep trust and it results in this oh-super-fun-ficial-friendships-that-make-you-gag.

I firmly believe a lot of what we think others will do, has a lot to do with our own stuff. If we think others will judge us though we don’t have anything to base this off of, it is likely a result of our own baggage… our own self-talk. As much as I practice metacognition, and self-love, I still make self-judgments here and there, and I unknowingly project this onto others, making potential friendships unappetizing.

Another thing I am noticing is, being a mom, and just adulting really makes it so hard to make friends.

Every day I am doing a million and one things, and I just don’t have the time to “hang out”. A lot of my friends came from just being somewhere together, such as school, or growing up in the same place, but when everyone is new to you and you are busy taking care of life, your energy and chances to hang out are next to nil.

Adding a traumatic life event further complicates things because sometimes it can be hard to connect. And I don’t know about you, but my threshold for BS is real low. So there might be a chance I have walked away from things that I did not feel worth it. This isn’t wrong and can be a healthy thing!

I thought I had this wonderful friendship here, but unfortunately it has hit a turning point where feelings were hurt. I am realizing it was either not a strong enough friendship and/or that it was with someone who does not want to or cannot discuss through difficult things. And, I am learning that is OK. Not every attempt will pan out. But it does not make this futile.

I wish I could give step-by-step instructions on how to have more meaningful friendships or on exactly how to be 100% OK with no friends, but that wouldn’t be helpful nor feasible. We are all different, with different lives, and different needs. But if you are like me, who crave those deep friendships but are just too dang busy or tired these days, then the change must come from within.

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So what does this all mean?

It means I will continue to cultivate the meaningful friendships I already have. Thankfully technology is on our side, so texting, calling, and video-chatting are at our fingertips. And, making plans to visit a few times a year is a priority of mine now.

It is not to say that making new friendships is off the table for me, it just means I will not hold each new-potential-friendship with an expectation destined for failure–but with a fresh new exciting start with tons of potential for all-kinds-of-friendships. Not all friendships will become those ride-or-die kinds.

It means that I need to keep it lighthearted and allow things to grow, and expect that it will take work on both ends. All friendships require this, though our lifelong ones don’t feel like it did because a lot of the early hard work happened many moons ago, and now you are in maintenance mode.

So, the next time the opportunity to have a friendship knocks on your door, answer it. Answer it with open arms and a light heart. And, if we have the chance to cross paths… you know where I stand. So…don’t make it weird, k? 😉

And maybe, the fact that I continue to have these meaningful relationships from afar means even more. Blessed, I am.

xx, Mary


 

Personal

10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me

by admin January 30, 2019

Time to get a little personal…personal (in a singing voice)  :grins:

  1. I am the youngest of seven children. I have three older brothers, and three older sisters. My mom had me when she was in her early 40s back in the 1980s. I have wondered if I was that oops baby. For the most part I love having a large family, there is nothing like sibling love. But, if I am to be honest, it definitely isn’t all rainbows and roses. I am partly estranged from half of them…
  2. I am Chinese. My parents were born and raised in Vietnam but were of Chinese descent. They immigrated to the U.S. in the 80s and had me. I can understand most Cantonese but my ability to speak is not so great. It is kind of like a Changlish with a drop of Vietnamese here and there.
  3. I love fruits and veggies. I grew up eating lots of fruits and veggies. My father loved to garden and grew lots of different plants (e.g. oranges, pears, melons, pineapple, and all different choys aka any green leafy vegetable).
  4. I have had fur babies all my life. In fact, my sister and I were trying to count how many pets we had growing up, and the consensus for me was 20. I currently have one dog and one cat. Lola and Walle respectively. Lola is a very very old Shih-Tzu, and Walle is a very nosey-naughty cat-dog.
  5. I grew up very poor. Our family did not have much money growing up…especially with 7 mouths to feed in a foreign country. I can vividly remember not having hot water or food on the table many nights. But I know my parents did their very best, and when I think about all that they went through, taking boats, planes to foreign places where they did not understand the language nor had any money or plans just to provide a better life for their children is so damn admirable. It honestly makes my heart swell and my eyes tear.
  6. I have this weird reflex. If wind is blown directly into my face, I stop breathing for like two seconds. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. There have been legit times where I am making a left hand turn with my window down and then the wind will hit my face just right, and BAM! My breath gets taken away. If anyone knows why this is or better yet, how to fix this…I would very much appreciate it.
  7. I do not like water. Nope. Don’t ask me to go swimming, don’t ask me to go inside a lake, and definitely don’t ask me to get in the ocean past my knees. Thanks. Edit: I have done all of these things, but begrudgingly. 
  8. I am an introvert. If you know me in person, then you know this. I like my alone time, that’s how I reboot. I can “be extrovertedly” when necessary but better believe I am drained by the end of the day.
  9. I am pretty petite. I stand just shy of 5’ and weigh about 100lbs. I used to get made fun of for being so short in school, surprise surprise. Kids make fun of anything. I could care less these days but I would be lying if I didn’t fantasize of what it would be like to just be four inches taller. Oh how shopping for pants and rompers would be. Sigh. But on a more serious note, sometimes I get these fleeting moments where I feel inferior to my peers if I am shorter. Don’t get me wrong, I love my body and how I look but you get what I mean, right?
  10. I have a potty mouth. Like, really bad. I don’t know what it is but I curse. I curse a lot. In writing this, my fingers have bleeped out so many colorful words, you just don’t even know. 😉 

 

Well, there you have it guys. Ten things you now know about me. Hope this was amusing to some degree… What’s something most people do not know about you?