If Nothing Else…Be Your Own BFF

We always say to treat others like how we would like to be treated, but the truth is… we often treat others how we DO treat ourselves. And, it ain’t pretty.

Have you ever taken a moment and reflected on how you talk to yourself? Maybe it goes something like this, “Gosh, I’m such an idiot… why did I do that?” or “That is so dumb of me to think this way” or “Nobody likes me because I am too boring” or “I’m not a good enough mom/friend/wife/sister”, or my favorite “what is wrong with me????”

Let’s pause here a minute.

Have you ever said these things to your friends? your loved ones? even a coworker? I’m going to guess, no. But, maybe you have in a less direct way. I see these things happen on social media ALL THE TIME. Mom shaming or just shaming in general is so prevalent and it literally makes me sick.

I have learned over the years that people put others down because that is how they react to themselves when they feel like their behavior is “bad” or “wrong”. We project our own stuff onto others.

I say all of this to bring to light the real issue…. our focus shouldn’t just be on building compassion for others but on developing self-compassion.

When we can collectively engage in self-compassion, we will naturally give it others. Our focus needs to be on improving our selves in order to have a second order effect on our society.

If you think about it, how can we tell others to have compassion for another when we continue to berate ourselves day in and day out? That is like asking someone to tie another person’s shoe when they cannot tie their own shoe.

 

So, I am sure you are wondering how do we develop self-compassion?? The answer is quite ironic.

Treat yourself how you would treat others.

 

1. Be your own BFF. We often treat our best friends soooooo much better than we treat ourselves. So, the first step is to be your own best friend forever. Quit being mean to yourself. Watch your self-talk and ask yourself, would you blatantly say this to your BFF’s face? If the answer is a no, then change it.
2. Honor yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for what you think, feel, and do. This only leads to self-criticism. Honor what you think, feel, and do. Remind yourself that you do your best. And, your best changes from minute to minute. Have empathy for yourself.
3. Give yourself grace. Be thoughtful and courteous to yourself. Treat yourself with respect and try to not put impossible standards upon yourself. Let it go.
4. Invest in yourself. When we invest in another person, we inherently build a sense of understanding and love for them, and all that they strive to do, including their failures. It’s important that we do the same for ourselves. Creating a vision board is one way to start doing this!
5. Build healthy boundaries. So often, people harp about having boundaries with others, which are definitely important, but we neglect the boundaries we have with ourselves. I have been guilty of allowing myself get pushed around by my own self. Honor your desires. Respect your needs. Stop beating yourself up. Allow yourself to take care of your self, say NO when you want or need to. And be quick to catch your negative self-talk.

Of course, these are all easier said than done. It is going to take time and lots of practice to make these habits. Awareness is key though. When you catch yourself doing any of the self-compassion-killing things, just acknowledge it, and try harder next time.

Stop focusing on all of your “failures” and “shortcomings” and look at yourself as a whole, be mindful of yourself. 

Eventually, that window will become smaller and smaller, and you will be able to practice self-compassion more consistently.

In essence, trying to have more self-compassion is an act of self-compassion in itself. So you are already in the right direction. I wholeheartedly believe that with these “simple” steps, our world could be a better place. Or at least we will treat each other a little bit better and we will love ourselves that much more.

I challenge you today. Hug yourself. Do something you want and need today, purely for yourself. You deserve the best. You deserve to be your best, whatever that may be at this moment in time. 

 

How do you practice self-compassion? I would love to know, leave a comment below!

 

xx, Mary