Confession: I am a 34-year-old mom and I don’t really have any much friends.
My birthday just passed and as I was wished happy birthday throughout the day, I realized they were all from afar. Five years ago, my husband and I moved from Florida to North Carolina, and I still struggle with creating a circle of friends here. I still keep in touch with my group of friends in Florida but it just isn’t the same.
I keep hearing the same story from many other women that they have recently relocated and are having the hardest time building their own village. And, no…we are not those crazy chicks. We are normal, down-to-Earth, funny, and real people that legit struggle to build close and meaningful relationships as an adult.
After my ritualistic boo-hoo cry on my birthday (I know, I know.. it sounds so pitiful but my birthday has always been a sensitive time for me, but that is another post), I was on a mission to find out why it was so hard to make friends at this age.
I went through the usual questioning, Am I that unlikable? Am I a bitch? Am I that closed-off? I couldn’t understand why I felt so lonely, though sometimes I tout that this is my choice. Truth is, we all need friendships. Including myself.
First, I had to think about what a friendship meant to me before I could go digging at what was going awry.
For me, a meaningful friendship is one where you can be your self and not be afraid to verbalize your crazy thoughts for fear of judgment. It is where you know they will be there for you when you sit on your kitchen floor in tears about x, y, z, and they will know what to say to pick you back up. It is having someone to just watch shows with without any expectations to entertain. It is having support in any troubles that come your way, and having a sounding board whenever you feel uncertain. It is having someone to experience life’s joy and learn new things with. It is having someone you genuinely care about and want to add to their lives. It is having someone who accepts you for who you are. It is all of these great things and then some.
But, the problem is… we have had X amount of years to develop this schema about what a friendship should be and we sometimes (me all the time apparently) go into each interaction with such expectation. It isn’t fair to either parties. It is bound to lead to disappointment and feelings defeat, hopelessness, and loneliness.
Okay. So don’t have these high expectations. Got it. Done. But, just lowering expectations wasn’t enough…
I had to learn how to even build a meaningful relationship… like how do you even do that? Most of my friends are my family, old school friends, people who I grew up with. I can’t just get more siblings, nor could I re-grow up. So what now?
A friendship is built on trust first and foremost.
Not only trust that your friend won’t betray you, but trust that you can be your REAL self and not be judged for your silliness, or your ugliness. How many times have we felt like we could not be our authentic selves and suffered through this superficial friendships that make our skin crawl? Me, too many times.
With lifelong friends, you have had years to build this trust. You have had countless opportunities to test this trust, but with new potential friends, we carry this expectation in without allowing the time to grow this deep trust and it results in this oh-super-fun-ficial-friendships-that-make-you-gag.
I firmly believe a lot of what we think others will do, has a lot to do with our own stuff. If we think others will judge us though we don’t have anything to base this off of, it is likely a result of our own baggage… our own self-talk. As much as I practice metacognition, and self-love, I still make self-judgments here and there, and I unknowingly project this onto others, making potential friendships unappetizing.
Another thing I am noticing is, being a mom, and just adulting really makes it so hard to make friends.
Every day I am doing a million and one things, and I just don’t have the time to “hang out”. A lot of my friends came from just being somewhere together, such as school, or growing up in the same place, but when everyone is new to you and you are busy taking care of life, your energy and chances to hang out are next to nil.
Adding a traumatic life event further complicates things because sometimes it can be hard to connect. And I don’t know about you, but my threshold for BS is real low. So there might be a chance I have walked away from things that I did not feel worth it. This isn’t wrong and can be a healthy thing!
I thought I had this wonderful friendship here, but unfortunately it has hit a turning point where feelings were hurt. I am realizing it was either not a strong enough friendship and/or that it was with someone who does not want to or cannot discuss through difficult things. And, I am learning that is OK. Not every attempt will pan out. But it does not make this futile.
I wish I could give step-by-step instructions on how to have more meaningful friendships or on exactly how to be 100% OK with no friends, but that wouldn’t be helpful nor feasible. We are all different, with different lives, and different needs. But if you are like me, who crave those deep friendships but are just too dang busy or tired these days, then the change must come from within.
So what does this all mean?
It means I will continue to cultivate the meaningful friendships I already have. Thankfully technology is on our side, so texting, calling, and video-chatting are at our fingertips. And, making plans to visit a few times a year is a priority of mine now.
It is not to say that making new friendships is off the table for me, it just means I will not hold each new-potential-friendship with an expectation destined for failure–but with a fresh new exciting start with tons of potential for all-kinds-of-friendships. Not all friendships will become those ride-or-die kinds.
It means that I need to keep it lighthearted and allow things to grow, and expect that it will take work on both ends. All friendships require this, though our lifelong ones don’t feel like it did because a lot of the early hard work happened many moons ago, and now you are in maintenance mode.
So, the next time the opportunity to have a friendship knocks on your door, answer it. Answer it with open arms and a light heart. And, if we have the chance to cross paths… you know where I stand. So…don’t make it weird, k? 😉
And maybe, the fact that I continue to have these meaningful relationships from afar means even more. Blessed, I am.
xx, Mary